Failure (noun): lack of success; falling short; an unsuccessful person, enterprise, or thing.
Failure. Not a topic I thought I would be reflecting on in depth at this point in my residency. However, as new practitioners eagerly trying to test the waters and carve a path during these uncertain times, failure (both personal and professional) is an inevitable rite of passage. I think it is important for us to be comfortable with what it means to fail, so we can use our failures to achieve success without succumbing to the weight of discouragement that failures can also bring. Failure isn’t something we like to advertise or talk about with one another, but in many ways, it can be a more powerful tool for shaping our character and our contributions more than our successes could ever be. Let me explain what I mean.
A couple of years ago, someone once asked me, “When was the last time you failed?” And I didn’t have to think on the topic for too long because I felt my answer was certain: Never. And this was not to say that I had never failed (God, no!), only that my perspective of failure at the time was different than most people’s. In graduate school, I failed in the lab almost every day for four years, as I tried to synthesize a complex natural product using new methods. There were days/weeks/months of failures punctuated by moments of tiny successes. Successes which meant “yes, this pathway works!” and still yet more failures which meant “nope, you dope, that will not work!” I was building a complex, highly-strained chemical scaffolding with biological activity in the lab…a medicinal compound to mimic a natural substance in coral which had never been made before. It was uncharted territory for me and my research advisor. I was the expert (so there was no one else to ask), and I didn’t know very much when I started. So there were bound to be some setbacks. Sometimes my failures were pretty epic—I had tested the experiment on a small scale (worked fine!) and then on-scale up (about 10-15 steps into the total synthesis), things went horribly wrong. Those were some pretty bad days. But that was my daily life as an organic synthetic chemist. The failures were tough at times and could have been debilitating, but I did not let them stop me. I used them to refine my research approach to the natural product…to develop new methodology…and to ultimately be successful in synthesizing the desired compound as well as a few others. So, quite literally speaking, I probably failed a hundred times before I was ultimately successful. So do you count that as a win (success) or a loss (failure)? I finished my chemistry doctorate in four years. It wasn’t a stream of fortunate successes which was responsible for that. It was my failures. Without them, my successes would never have been possible.
Fast forward to today. I stand in quite a different place in my life now than the last time someone asked me about failure. I am a little bit older. And perhaps a little bit more weary than the first time around. If you were to ask me today, “When was the last time you failed?” I would probably tell you, “This morning!” when yet another job application in a string of hopeful applications came back with yet another “no.” Four years of preparation. A residency. And no actual job on the horizon (or the hope of one). Epic fail. Or at least it feels like one. My failure looks different this time than when I was a graduate student long ago, but the pit in my stomach feels the same. And I know I am not alone. The frustration level among my friends who are graduating as well as those completing residencies is very high. So, how can we use our failures to our advantage, since we appear to be stuck with them for better or for worse for the foreseeable future?
First and foremost: We must not forget who we were before we failed in what we desired to do. We still are the same people. With the same gifts, aspirations, and dreams. Failing does not diminish us. It may make us sad, angry, or hurt us, at times, but it does not define us unless we let it do so. Secondly, we must not give up on what we want from the future, even though we may have to revise, rethink, or remodel our path to get there. If we keep plodding on blindly and refuse to learn from our failures, then we are destined to keep failing. But if we can incorporate these difficult life lessons into our current trajectory, then perhaps we can find a better, clearer path to what lies ahead. And lastly, we must not give up on each other. Failure can be very isolating and cause us to lose perspective and our faith in people. But there are many people walking these broken paths alongside us, whether we are aware of them or not. Sometimes recognizing that we are not in this alone can give us the strength that is needed to try something new or different. And sometimes this courage is exactly what is needed to prompt the personal breakthrough we are looking for.
My advice to you, if you feel as though you are failing in something you want to accomplish, is don’t be discouraged by the setbacks. And above all, don’t give up! It might be difficult for us to embrace our failures, to find purpose in them, but I believe that failures can be powerful catalysts for good outcomes in our lives if we can harness the kernels of wisdom in them (while inuring ourselves to the disappointments they also bring). I do not know what purpose in life my failures serve. But I do know that, despite the years that have passed between my Ph.D. and Pharm.D., that I am still the same person. If no path exists, I am determined to make my own way. I just have to figure out how to use my failures as a refining fire to get there.
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